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Monday, January 18, 2016

"I've seen so many women settle for crumbs. But now I know that a relationship built on real love feels good. It should bring you joy--not just some of the time but most of the time. It should never require losing your voice, your self-respect, or your dignity. And whether you're 25 or 65, it should involve bringing all of who you are to the table, and walking away with even more." - Oprah Winfrey, What I Know For Sure

"I think we should just let it go." In the last two years, I and my husband have spoken that sentence more often than I would like to admit. We decided to get married after I got pregnant in 2013 thinking it was the best decision for our lives moving forward. Our relationship has been a roller coaster of ups and downs since we met back in high school. We were young, I loved him in what I consider the purest form of the word, but he wasn't ready to accept that love.

My unresolved issues of inadequacy lead me to pour out all of myself, in hopes he would learn to trust his heart in my hands. What resulted was insults, infidelity, and more feelings of inadequacy. So many times I tried to leave the situation in hopes of getting pieces of myself and my dignity back but fear kept reeling me back in. Fear of not deserving more, fear of the same thing repeating itself in my future.

But most of the time I returned to our relationship because the idea of loving myself in this broken space seemed like an overwhelming and daunting task. I didn't want to do the work, I didn't want to feel the shame and disappointing looks of family and friends. I didn't want to feel like I failed.

And besides, as long as I stayed I could blame him for my bad choices. I could blame him for not being the person that I thought he was. But leaving would force me to take responsibility for not loving myself and I could continue glorifying my feelings of unworthiness, because if I'm being honest with myself "not enough" always felt more comfortable than "more than enough".

As we embark on another journey of separation and file for divorce, I pray that we find the healing that we both need. It was our brokenness that brought us together but it was never meant to keep us together. We collided in order for us to propel forward towards the lives God had planned for us. And we have the amazing opportunity to take the best parts of who we were together and raise our daughter from that space.

Now is my time to find the places in my heart and soul that need mending and be willing to present those to God for Him to fix. We often take our wounds to other people and expect them to heal us and when they fall short we blame them for not being God.

 When I started this blog my mission was to use my life in service to others, as difficult as it is to share this very private personal information, I know that it's bigger than me. And as I prayed before I started writing this post I was assured that I would be protected as long as I trust in Him. God has kept me and I will follow Him wherever He will have me go, even through the darkness.
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